- Emotionally immature parents are different, but all share some key characteristics.
- They can struggle to empathize with their kids, admit fault, or listen to other people.
- Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson, a therapist, shared signs you were raised by an emotionally immature parent.
Not all dysfunctional families involve physical abuse or extreme neglect. Being raised by an emotionally immature parent can be enough to make you feel alone, anxious, or invisible into adulthood.
Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson, a clinical psychologist who wrote the bestselling book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents,” told Business Insider that these types of parents can be erratic, self-absorbed, lacking empathy, and unable to ever apologize.
Sometimes labeled as “narcissists,” emotionally immature parents can have profoundly negative effects on their kids.
“You might have nice clothes, you might have plenty of food,” she told BI. “But inside, you’re likely to have a sense of emotional loneliness and a feeling that things aren’t quite right, and it affects your sense of belonging.”
Gibson shared some of the key signs you were raised by emotionally immature parents.
They’re more interested in themselves
Gibson said emotionally immature parents tend to be egocentric in some way. They might bring conversations back to themselves instead of asking you questions or monologue at you over the phone.
“A person who is emotionally mature is going to be able to consider other people’s rights and feelings automatically,” she said.
Children of emotionally immature parents get the message that their interests and bids for attention don’t matter. As a result, they can feel disconnected from their caretakers and gravitate toward familiarly one-sided relationships as adults.
They can’t empathize with you
Emotionally immature parents are likely to see you more as an extension of themselves than an individual person, Gibson said.
For example, if your parent is highly critical and success-driven, they might be unable to notice (or care) that you don’t like the extracurriculars they signed you up for. Or if you indicate feeling tired or burned out, they can’t empathize with your feelings.
If you’re in a disagreement, your parent’s point of view is always the correct one, no matter how glaringly wrong you feel they are.
“When something makes them feel uncomfortable or their self-esteem is threatened, they just change their perception of the reality,” Gibson said. “They really can’t take in other people’s viewpoints; it just doesn’t compute.”
These families tend to be enmeshed, where kids struggle to tell the difference between what they want and what their parents want, Gibson said.
They don’t apologize or try to do better next time
Because they’re focused on themselves and aren’t receptive to other perspectives, emotionally immature parents are unlikely to apologize or take accountability, Gibson said.
While many people can get stubborn or defensive in a fight, emotionally immature parents never have that cool-down moment where they reflect on the role they played during a blow-up. A highly reactive parent, for example, is unable to acknowledge how their behavior makes you feel tense.
Since emotionally immature parents are not curious about finding a middle ground or seeing where they could improve their communication, you might find yourself in the same types of disagreements over and over again — and walking on eggshells to avoid them. This is where setting boundaries can become important.
They’re popular with other people, but disconnected from you
While the above behaviors might feel insufferable to you, emotionally immature parents may be able to hide them around others.
“They might be very socially skilled, they might be very popular, they might be good with keeping themselves under control,” Gibson said. “But when it comes to that kind of emotional closeness where you open up to each other, that’s where they really back up.”
Another example is the “fun” parent — someone who might have played with you a lot as a kid but is otherwise passive, according to Gibson. The moment you start expressing your feelings, they pull away, reinforcing the idea that your vulnerability is too much for them.
They only show up for you in practical ways
If your parents paid for your college tuition or took great care of you when you were sick, you might feel ambivalent about the “emotionally immature” label. How self-interested they could be, if they made such big financial or time commitments in raising you?
While Gibson acknowledged that material benefits are important stepping stones to success, she also said that “growing up is so much more than your physical needs.” It’s also important for parents to offer warmth and emotional support for their kids.
Otherwise, kids with emotionally absent parents can grow up to feel like they need to perform to gain attention or that they only deserve the bare minimum from their other relationships.
“It’s crucial that you get the kind of emotional connection and empathy that emotionally mature parents can give their children,” she said.
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