- I was dating my girlfriend for two years when an old flame came back in my life; I cheated.
- I didn’t understand why I cheated; it came down to the lack of communication in my relationship.
- I lost my girlfriend, but it helped me grow as a person.
Ever since I grasped the concept of a romantic relationship, I understood trust and loyalty were two key ingredients for its development. Then, I realized the worst threat to a relationship: infidelity.
If that wasn’t enough, in my career as a New York lawyer, I learned that a rarely enforced law from 1907 made adultery a crime in the state of New York — at least until earlier this year when a bill was passed to repeal it.
And still, I went for it. I did it. I cheated on my ex. But make no mistake: This isn’t an apology letter or a bragging message. What’s done is done. This is just what I learned from my decision to cheat.
It started as a one-time thing
I met my ex during the final days of college — right about when we transitioned from young adults to professionals. We had been dating for a couple of years when the cheating happened.
It wasn’t a drunk night out with a stranger. Instead, an old flame of mine came knocking on my door. She needed some sort of legal help. A message led to a meeting, which led to dinner. Dinner led to a dark place (metaphorically and literally). The rest is history.
The next few days, I couldn’t live with myself. I became the most thoughtful and caregiving boyfriend for the following months to bear with the guilt.
I recall thinking, “Well, maybe I needed that to boost my desire to be with her.” I promised myself it would be a one-off. But that faded away when it happened again. I went back to my old flame. She seemed to offer something I couldn’t find in my relationship. I just didn’t know what.
I looked for justifications instead of solutions
The guilt never washed away, but after I lost the fear of doing it the first time, the following occasions came easier.
I was only able to stop when the unresolved question of “why?” tormented my mind more than when the guilt tormented my soul. I tried answering the question with external factors. By doing so, I was only finding justifications: lack of sex, boredom with the routine, appeal of something new, need for attention, and unresolved feelings. All were true, but I was missing the bigger picture.
Only when I looked within did I find what was wrong: communication — or, better said, the lack of it. For years, I had built a relationship based on half-truths that only created an artificial connection. I was living in a lie, and that meant that I would go for anything that resembled something real — even if wrong, even if at the expense of someone else.
My “mistress” had her own flaws and faults, but they became futile the moment I was unfaithful. When I crossed the line, I was the only one to blame for the downfall of the relationship.
I learned my lesson in time
My ex was one of the most amazing human beings I’ve ever met. But I also knew something was already broken, and the guilt would never fully allow me to be with her again. Cheating on her is, by far, the worst thing I’ve ever done. But I had to lose her to find myself — which will never justify what I did, but it doesn’t make it any less true.
The hardest part came afterward. Was I doomed? Would I ever be loyal and faithful again? Would I forgive myself? I still haven’t found an answer for the first two, but I like to think that the more I work on myself, the more likely I am to find someone I will admire, love, and, most importantly, communicate with.
For the third question, I did. I forgave myself when I learned these lessons: don’t lie, don’t hurt people, don’t open a new door without closing the old one, and most importantly, don’t betray yourself by going against your ideals. Once I understood I did wrong, but that it didn’t come from a bad place, I was able to see it wasn’t the end of the world. Life went on.
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