- Holly Martins, 39, was taught that scraping by financially was OK, she said.
- After divorcing, she realized she needed to make a lot of money.
- She spoke to a therapist and a financial advisor and shares those lessons with her sons.
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Holly Martins. It has been edited for length and clarity.
I grew up in a household that fostered a poverty mentality. I was told to earn just enough to live, don’t complain, get a stable job, stay there forever, and never, ever talk about money. My parents worked good, solid government jobs in order to scrape into the middle class, but they still always lived as if they didn’t have enough money or resources.
I was told to find a job with a pension and ride it out until retirement. I was never taught to dream big or reach for the stars.
My first job was at a nonprofit, where I scraped nickels to get by. After I got married and had kids, I quit my job because I wasn’t making enough to pay for daycare. It made more sense for me to just stay home with the kids than work. I missed working, but stayed home with the kids until my husband and I separated in 2019.
I became focused on money after my divorce
Suddenly, I realized I needed to make a lot of money to support my household without a partner. It was the first time in my life I’d had that thought. In the past, I’d always believed it was OK to be scraping by.
I had gotten my real estate license after my second son was born, and dabbled in selling homes. But compared to my husband’s career, mine was always treated as a hobby. Now, I saw it as a lifeline. Real estate is all commission-based. There’s no floor to how little you can make, but there’s also no ceiling. For the first time ever, I felt motivated to reach for the stars.
I did lots of therapy to address my poverty mentality
Undoing years of messaging from my parents and myself wasn’t easy. It felt uncomfortable to admit I wanted success. I thought I was being unfair when I asked for what I was worth. Processing that took a lot of therapy.
In addition to my therapist, I started surrounding myself with people who dreamed big. In the past, working in a nonprofit, I’d told myself I had little money or financial resources, but it was OK because I was a good person. Now, I was reevaluating that message. The people around me told me I was a good person and I deserved a lot, including money and financial stability.
Today, I teach my boys, who are now 7 and 9, these same lessons. Sometimes, they have self-limiting beliefs. I remind them that they’re amazing and can accomplish anything they set their mind to — something I was never told as a kid.
I’m exposing my sons to saving and investment
My new mindset coincided with the 2020 real estate boom in New Jersey, where I live and sell homes. I was making more than I ever had. Saving money came easily to me since I was used to putting all my money toward bills. Once I had the money I needed to pay for my necessities, I started to invest. I now have a retirement account, college savings, and other investments.
I started to show my sons what I was doing. Now, we talk about money all the time. I was never shown a budget, savings account, or investment account. Luckily, friends and mentors later taught me how to use these financial tools, and I also educated myself with podcasts. It’s hard to learn something if you’re not exposed to it. I was thrilled when my older son recently asked if he could start investing because I want my boys to have that exposure early.
I want my sons to make grand plans
Last year, I bought my ex out of our house. But around that same time, I realized that my family would be better off in a neighboring school district. Our family uses special education services, and they just weren’t cutting it in our original district.
The version of myself from before would have rather died than make a grand plan, like moving from a house she’d just obtained ownership of. But the new me knew she could do it. I rented out our home and moved the boys into a rental in the new district. I plan to purchase a home here later this year.
I hope making this move shows the boys they deserve to take risks and make plans to improve their lives. They’re entitled to access the resources they need.
I don’t want my kids to be afraid of the world
I realize now I had a lot of fear because of my upbringing. I don’t want that for my sons: they should know that the world is an amazing place for them to explore, and that home is a safe place that they can come back to.
I’ve learned that I can be a good person and also be successful. Wanting to strive and achieve isn’t a perversion. I don’t need to sacrifice my well-being in order to serve others. It took me more than three decades to learn these lessons, so I’m teaching them to my boys as soon as I can.
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