This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with dad-of-three Russ Perry, 41, CEO of a creative design company and writer. It has been edited for length and clarity.
Every Friday after school, I give my 8-year-old daughter, Paige, a handwritten shopping list and drop her off outside our local Trader Joe’s.
She rolls up 20 minutes later with a full cart of groceries, a receipt, and my credit card in her hand — and a beaming smile on her face.
It’s our weekly ritual, and she absolutely loves it. Although it’s a mundane task, the sense of responsibility boosts her self-esteem and independence.
It’s amazing to see as a parent because those are the characteristics you want instilled in your children.
Some friends are shocked when I tell them about it. One said he never lets his kids out of his sight. “Aren’t you afraid she’ll get kidnapped?” he asked.
My first reaction was to say ‘no’ when Paige asked to do the shopping
I’m not living my life day-to-day worried about kidnappings. I’ve researched and figured out how misinformed we are regarding the risk.
Social media has amplified the danger, making it sound big and scary. But statistically speaking, we exist in a safer, more supportive environment than ever.
Paige’s shopping expeditions were triggered by the little kids’ carts in the front of the store. She enjoyed wheeling them around the place.
Then, at the beginning of 2023, when she was 7, she said, “Hey, can I do it myself now?” My first reaction was to say “no.” But I rapidly questioned my thinking.
A couple of years ago, I read “The Coddling of the American Mind.” The authors discuss the need to give kids more freedom and independence. They advise parents to unwire their brains to think the world is dangerous.
I accompanied my kids to the park out of habit
The book was an eye-opener — research-based, factual, and data-driven. It showed how people’s fear is overblown about stranger danger and child abduction.
I recognized that the everyday parenting habits had crept up on me in escorting my kids to parks and playgrounds. We live in a family-friendly, gated community in Arizona, but I still watched Paige and her sister, Rees, now 12, when they went outside.
The park was minutes from the house, and I accompanied them whenever they wanted to go. I wasn’t really harboring these fears that I needed to protect them. It was something I was doing unconsciously.
So, one day, I let them go unsupervised, and it was their most exciting adventure. It opened up a new level of freedom for them, where their exploration and activities were no longer dependent on my schedule, my energy levels, or my willingness to do it.
The rule was that you couldn’t leave the house without letting us know where you were. If you go to the park, be at the park. Use other people’s phones if you need us. Or we’ll find you if we need you.
After Paige said she wanted to do the grocery shopping, I thought, “I just need to think about the steps here.” I looked at it as something for her to learn. We do the shopping almost mindlessly as adults, but for a child, it’s new territory.
Grocery shopping has three parts: what you need, where it is, and checking out. We broke it down. For several weeks on consecutive Fridays, I gave her the list and shadowed her to say, “OK, here’s what we need.” She learned the layout of the grocery store and how to use the chip on the credit card.
My daughter knows what to say if she is questioned about being alone
Before long, she felt so confident that she did not want me to follow her anymore. I started standing in the front by the flowers. She’d ask employees for help to grab things like yogurts that were out of her reach on the refrigerator shelf. It was adorable.
Soon, I began hanging out outside the store. Now, I’ll catch up on my email, or when she’s been with Rees, I’ll run off to do a return at the store next door. It’s created a bit of efficiency.
Meanwhile, I’ve prepared Paige for if or when she gets questioned by staff or other shoppers. She knows to say, “No, my dad’s here. I’m practicing grocery shopping by myself.” So far, nobody has bothered her. She projects a high level of certainty.
Paige embraces responsibility and independence
I admire her problem-solving skills and willingness to assert herself if she needs help. Grocery shopping is super fun for her. She wants to do it because it makes her feel responsible.
As parents, we can learn to use seemingly mundane tasks in creative ways to teach our kids life and social skills and confidence. It doesn’t have to be some huge, complicated project. You can find the simplest ways to say yes to independence.
Paige’s shopping list includes chicken, pasta, pasta sauce, cereal, milk, and fruit.
Still, she usually comes out the door with a few extra desserts we did not plan on. She’s rational about it. “Well, Dad,” she’ll say. “I wanted to make sure that we had some chocolate-covered strawberries — just in case.”
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