This as-told-to essay is based on an interview with Tami Shadduck. It has been edited for length and clarity.
From his snoring to the 5 a.m. wakeups, for the first 15 years of our marriage, I rarely had a great night’s sleep. I love my husband, but I also love feeling rested.
Each night, I tried really hard to fall asleep. Sometimes, I’d pick up a book and read until my eyes got heavy. If it was really bad, I’d lie on the couch. I would get some sleep, but it was fitful, and I’d wake up each morning not feeling well rested.
When my husband and I first got together in 2005, he’d just finished working as a contractor in a warzone, so I expected him to have disrupted sleep based on that experience. I never thought about going to bed in a different room. Sharing the same bed is so ingrained in our culture it didn’t occur to me we could sleep in separate beds.
We tried other remedies for his snoring first
When we first got together, he didn’t really snore, but over the next 15 years, it got progressively worse. To say I was sharp with my husband in the morning is a kind way to put it. We would jokingly say I woke up a bear.
We tried a few different remedies to help solve the problem. We bought a king-sized bed because I thought the extra space would help with his tossing and turning. Then we bought a sound machine designed to mask other noise, but it was so loud I felt like I was sleeping on the launchpad of the Kennedy Space Center. He finally got into a sleep study and discovered he suffers from sleep apnea, where your breathing stops and starts while you sleep.
I first slept in the guest bedroom when I got strep throat
In March 2020, I got strep throat and slept in the guest bedroom. I slept like a grandfather after Thanksgiving dinner. When I recovered from strep throat, I continued to sleep in the spare room as I realized I was sleeping much better.
When I realized I wanted to make it a more permanent move, I started by verbalizing how much happier and rested I felt in the morning. I think it took my husband a while to process how he really felt about it. But we’re now at the point where he sleeps better alone, too, because he’s not worrying about keeping me awake.
We shared our sleeping arrangements with others and were surprised by the reaction
We had a vague idea that some other couples also slept apart but didn’t know anyone personally, so we decided to keep the fact that we slept in separate bedrooms to ourselves. When we finally told friends and family, it felt empowering. We were surprised by how many people said they wished they slept apart. Some friends had situational experiences of sleeping separately due to having young children or being sick, so it was easy for them to relate.
People may think their love lives will suffer if they decide to sleep in separate beds, but that isn’t the case. Intimacy happens in a thousand little moments throughout the day. To me, sleep is a health behavior, and intimacy is part of a healthy relationship.
I’m really grateful my husband is interested in my health and happiness, not some preconceived notion of what a marriage is supposed to look like. I might’ve done it sooner if more people had talked about it. I think the more we normalize it, the happier couples can be.
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