When I first got married, I continued to do everything around the house that I did when I was single — which was basically all of the cooking and cleaning.
After a while, I began to wonder how and when things were supposed to change now that I had a partner.
I had been independent for so long before I met my husband that I had gotten used to doing everything on my own. I was a single parent, worked full-time, and owned my own house, so I was responsible for every parental duty. I was also focused on earning and managing all the finances while keeping everything around the house running and clean.
At times of exhaustion, I would catch myself fantasizing about having a partner to split the work of day-to-day life with. When I finally did find that partner, I realized I had to make changes to make that fantasy a reality.
I did the same amount of work when I first got married
When my son and I moved in with my husband, I told him that I would continue to plan our meals, cook, and do all of the cleaning. I was used to it and had developed an efficient system, so I figured I would just keep at it.
But when I continued to feel burned out, I remembered those moments when I had wished for a partner to help me with all of those chores.
So, I asked a close girlfriend what she and her husband did as far as the housework went.
She said she was in a similar situation, where they each worked full-time, had two young children, and managed a household together. She told me that even before they had kids, she sat her husband down, and they divided up who would do what around the house. I asked her how they decided, and she said that if there was something she really didn’t enjoy doing, then she would ask if her husband minded doing that and vice versa.
It seemed like a good system, so I sat my husband down, and we figured out who would do what around our house.
Splitting up the chores proved to be ineffective for us
For the last couple of years, we’ve followed this system of splitting the chores. I told my husband I would continue to plan our meals and cook if he did the dishes, and I would keep the house clean if he managed the yard upkeep.
The problem with this system over time was that I hadn’t really minimized my work around the house by all that much, and I was still burning out easily.
What was worse than still being exhausted was having someone to resent for it. Over time, I could see that the system we had agreed to was ineffective. I really love my husband, and I didn’t want to harbor feelings of resentment over things like chores around the house.
So, instead of talking with him again about splitting up the housework, I uprooted our system without saying anything about it.
Instead of having another talk, I started acting like a teammate
I began doing dishes here and there, in the morning or afternoons, instead of letting them pile up into a giant heap for my husband to do every night. Then, I started asking him to help me with certain things when I was really tired, such as cooking dinner that night or scrubbing the tubs if my back was really bothering me.
Then, something extraordinary happened. I didn’t feel guilty asking for help, and he didn’t mind or complain when I did. Suddenly, it started to really feel like I had a partner.
My husband picked up on me throwing our previously agreed-upon system to the wind, and we were helping each other with everything without needing to discuss it. I was lucky in that all I needed to do to have a partner was take it day by day and show him that we were a team.
After I had changed how I approached our new life together, he told me one night, “I’ve been thinking more about how I can help you.” I was floored. I had already felt like I had a teammate, but he had vocalized that he felt the same way.
From now on, I’d rather save our big sit-down talks for more important things than who will do what around the house. I found that by acting like a teammate instead of asking for one, I ended up with the partnership I had been wanting for so long.
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