This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Jeannie Assimos, a 52-year-old VP at a fintech company. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
I got married for the first time when I was 40. For most of my life I was certain that I never wanted to get married. The idea of being a wife or a mom just didn’t appeal to me — I wanted to be independent, and I loved the idea of being a career woman.
Even when I had serious boyfriends in my teens and 20s, I shot down any conversations about marriage. I wanted to stay in control of my own life and didn’t believe that was possible with a husband.
My beliefs unexpectedly changed in my mid-30s
I landed a job as the managing editor at eHarmony and worked there for a decade, overseeing content on all their sites, including two wedding advice websites.
I became immersed in people planning their weddings, wearing beautiful dresses, and throwing themselves the party of a lifetime. This was also around when all my friends married and had kids. For the first time in my life, I felt envious.
It seemed like everyone else was living out a fairy tale life. I wondered if this was something that I should have, too. At the time, I had been dating someone for five years and thought marriage was probably the next step. In 2012, we decided to get married. He didn’t want to, but I pushed the issue.
I almost instantly realized I had made a big mistake. I didn’t want to be married. It took me four more years before I decided to get divorced. I wasn’t happy, and he wasn’t the right long-term partner for me.
Getting out of a marriage was tough
Leaving a four-year marriage took another two years. It wasn’t easy. My ex-husband didn’t want the relationship to end. I was desperate to move on.
My divorce made me realize just how much marriage is a business transaction because I was legally bound to this person. When I wanted to end it, it cost me thousands of dollars in assets and time.
In 2016, after my divorce was finalized, I vowed never to get married again.
I’ve been dating my now partner for five years. I don’t want to marry him.
10 months after the divorce was finalized, I started casually dating again. I wasn’t interested in getting serious with anyone. After a few years, I felt empty, and I realized I did want a partner and a companion without the legalities of marriage.
My current partner and I have been together for five years and are both content with our loving partnership. We feel the same way that marriage is just a legal agreement.
He’s been married three times, which doesn’t bother me, and he agrees there’s no reason to bring a legal agreement into our relationship.
Marriage doesn’t bring me the level of security it might bring other people
For some people, marriage brings commitment and security. Other people feel that it’s a psychological thing, where once they sign that legal document, they feel together in every sense of the world.
I didn’t ever see it that way. I was always very aware there was a risk the marriage could end. Even good marriages where people seem like they will be together forever often end. I never bought into the “till death do us part” cliché.
I don’t need to rely on someone else to support me financially
I’ve been building a career for myself for two decades and am now a vice president at a fintech company. I make six figures a year and comfortably support my lifestyle. While some might see marriage as a way to co-mingle finances and rely on a partner for financial support, I don’t care about that. My partner and I split things but aren’t rigid in our approach.
I like keeping my finances separate from my partner. I like fully controlling my own money. The only benefit that marriage brought into my life was the tax benefits. I get taxed 2% more as a single person than I did the years I was married.
My partner and I live the same life as a married couple
Even though my partner and I won’t ever get married, we live the same lifestyle as married couples. We live together, have similar interests, spend most of our time together, and set plans for the future. I hope we can grow old together.
We check in regarding our schedules and plans and respect one another’s decisions. We co-parent an adorable miniature pinscher named Jonny Cash, who is essentially our child. We just don’t have a legally binding agreement.
I wish more people thought about marriage before tying the knot
I don’t regret getting married because the experience led me to live authentically. It helped me find a partner who’s a better match for me, and we’re completely on the same page.
Getting married to a person is a reckless decision if you’re not 100% sure and haven’t taken enough time to know who you’re aligning yourself with. Time reveals all — good and bad — about people. Be patient with falling in love, and wait to commit until you’ve seen your partner in all the various seasons of life.
Want to share your story? Email Lauryn Haas at lhaas@businessinsider.com.
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