I wish I could say that therapy has been peachy keen, that I have never ugly cried during a session, or that the world is now filled with sunshine, rainbows, and engagement rings. But none of that has really been the case.
In fact, couple’s counseling has felt more like I’m getting my Ph.D. in Adulting with a focus in Handling Situations Maturely from Solutions University.
Despite its challenges, couples therapy has also been enlightening and emotionally rewarding. Here are some things that surprised me about it.
A couple’s therapist is not a personal referee
The reason my boyfriend and I started couples therapy is that we could not find an efficient way to communicate our needs, plans, and expectations. Basically, we just argued too much.
I thought that our therapist would be like a referee at a basketball game who favored one team — mine. I’d say something that annoyed me, and, in an act of solidarity, she would blow her whistle, throw one of those yellow flag thingies, and call a foul on my boyfriend. She would also, of course, have a singular tear fall from her eye because she was so inspired by my capacity to be honest.
In any case, our therapist consistently and kindly brings me back to reality. Couple’s counseling, as she reminds me, is not about taking sides or proving who’s right or wrong. It serves as a space to ensure that each partner is heard and that their feelings are shared and recognized.
Couples counseling is not a diary
I was convinced that every session would be like writing in my personal diary. I imagined I could wax poetic about my doomsday thoughts or fear of insufficiency, close the journal, and do it all again the next week.
While it’s imperative and courageous to share my insecurities, the goal of this type of therapy is way more than that. Instead, it is about developing healthy habits and new ways of communication.
Our therapist taught us that we have gotten into a cycle that almost always ends up at the same place of frustration and futility. What we are now working toward is learning new behaviors that can break this existing cycle and show us a new way of communicating and connecting.
Easier said than done, but we’re committed to trying.
There’s room for laughter and joy in couples therapy
Couple’s therapy is not so bleak after all. Yes, tears have been shed, but I don’t need to wear black or an Addams Family-esque fascinator after every session.
There is a lot of joy, laughter, and levity while in the romantic trenches. There’s something so hilarious about deliberately changing the way you’ve done or talked about things. It’s like Duolingo for emotional intelligence.
For example, it means a lot to my boyfriend to keep the house tidy, so our conversations now go like this:
“Hey, babe. I cleaned the dishes, babe.”
“Hey, babe. Thank you so much for doing that, babe. I really appreciate it when you prioritize the things that are important to me, babe.”
I know what you’re asking yourself: Is this what gay robots sound like?
While I have a different way of communicating and navigating the world, we’re learning to meet each other where the other is and speak accordingly. As mechanical as it may seem, it works, and we laugh about it.
The laughter strengthens us.
It’s just about recommitting to each other over and over again
You’re not graded in couple’s therapy. You’re not on trial. You’re not judged. In my experience, couple’s counseling is a manifestation of commitment.
My partner and I see our therapist every Saturday because it is the time we have carved out to prioritize and bolster our relationship. Nobody forces us to sit down on the couch for an hour and speak to a therapist on Zoom. We make the decision to commit to each other and to seek help. There’s no shame in that. On the contrary, there’s love and connection in both wanting to do something for us and for ourselves.
As our therapist tells me, relationships take effort until it feels like no effort at all.
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