- “Modern Family” star Julie Bowen struggles to connect with her teenage sons sometimes.
- Her trick to starting conversations with them is to lurk around the house.
- “If you just kind of park it, make fake cookies in the kitchen no one’s ever going to eat, they start coming in and out,” she said.
Julie Bowen knows the pain of raising teenage boys but she’s finally mastered the art of starting a conversation with them.
During an episode of “The Three Questions with Andy Richter” podcast, which was released on Tuesday, Bowen spoke about struggles she’s faced while trying to connect with her teens.
The “Modern Family” star has three teenage sons — Oliver, 17, and twins John and Gustave, 15 — whom she shares with her ex-husband Scott Phillips.
“Someone asked what it’s like to have teenage boys. It’s like getting dumped by three guys at the same time,” Bowen told podcast host Andy Richter. “Every day, they’d walk in, and I’m like, hi? Do I look pretty? Why aren’t they talking to me?”
When her sons get home, “they don’t even look up, they go right to their rooms,” Bowen said.
And for the longest time, she didn’t know how to communicate with her teenagers until her sister gave her a great tip.
“She goes, ‘At this age, they need you 5% of the time, and the other 95% they could give a rat’s ass if you’re around,'” Bowen said, recalling her sister’s words. “But when they need you, you don’t know when it’s going to be. Or where it’s going to be. And you’re going to miss that moment if you aren’t doing some lurking.”
While her sister advised her to continue with her own life, hanging around the house sometimes wouldn’t hurt. That way, her sons know where to find their mom when they need her.
“If you just kind of park it, make fake cookies in the kitchen no one’s ever going to eat, they start coming in and out. You start having conversations with teenagers,” Bowen said. “Being around works.”
So far, this tactic has been more effective than forcing her kids to spend time with her, she said.
“You go to think, ‘No, what would they like to do?’ And you’re like, nothing. They would like to do nothing,” Bowen said. “So you’ve gotta sort of be there in order to catch the runoff, and sometimes it’s freaking magic and great.”
According to the CDC, parents should create regular opportunities to talk to their children since this can have a big impact on their health and well-being.
Open communication, through active listening, patience, and consistency, can strengthen the bond between parent and child.
“‘Being around'” is a great approach for connecting with teens. As teens become increasingly independent, they appreciate having some control over when and how conversations with their parents happen,” Laura Eidlitz, a Brooklyn-based psychologist in private practice, told Business Insider.
In that case, it’s important for parents to be available when their teens are ready to talk. Eidlitz said that also means giving them their full attention — no screens or multitasking.
“Respect their privacy while showing you’re curious about what’s important to them. Show interest in their world — friends, hobbies, and feelings,” she said. “Stay calm during emotional conversations so as to not shut it down, and avoid intrusive questions, judgment, criticism, and lectures.”
A representative for Bowen did not respond to a request for comment sent by Business Insider outside regular hours.
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