It’s been over a year since my mother moved into the home I share with my husband, our elementary-aged daughter, and our cat, Pepper.
My mom moved in when she was 55, admittedly a little early. She had just transitioned to working remotely as an executive assistant from her more demanding job as a physical therapy assistant. The gig was part-time, and being a single woman — even in the Midwest — is expensive. The rising costs of living all but forced her out of her townhouse rental and into our house 10 minutes down the road.
Even though my mom is now working full-time, our multigenerational setup still works for our childcare needs and her financial goals.
We’re lucky to have the space
We are lucky to have the space to make this arrangement work. We own our four-bedroom house with two and a half bathrooms.
My husband knew early on in our relationship that helping to support my mom would be our reality. He and I discussed which rooms we would give my mom and that we wouldn’t charge her rent.
As a freelance writer and consultant, I gave up the room I was using for an office so Mom could use it to work from home. I don’t mind working from a coffee shop or the couch.
She moved into our guest bedroom. We also had a bonus sitting room she now uses as her living room. Having separate areas in the house is one of our best decisions.
We don’t have to fight over the TV or be forced to hang out in our bedrooms. We’re also lucky the adults in the house are introverts, so we all recharge by being alone.
I thought I would have to remind my talkative mother to give us some space after a long workday, but it’s more likely we go hours without seeing each other in the house.
Our unique approach
Early on, we intentionally decided not to charge my mom rent — in cash, at least.
She’s working on personal financial goals, and my husband and I agreed that it would be more helpful for her to contribute in other ways.
My mom helps out around the house with laundry, cleaning, watering the yard, organizing, and, perhaps most importantly, backup childcare.
My husband and I can now go on an evening run, grab a bite to eat, or have an impromptu date night sans kid. We’re very grateful for that freedom.
We had no in-depth discussions about splitting costs before my mom’s arrival. Mom buys her particular groceries and helps cover grocery bills when we do big Costco runs.
Eight months after moving in, my mom’s availability shifted when her work turned full time. Luckily my husband’s parents live 25 minutes away and help out and so do my dad and stepmom.
We don’t pay for other childcare.
Logistics
When my mom moved in, there was a learning curve, and still is, as to where everything goes.
My mom moved around and whittled her belongings down, but somehow, she filled three rooms at my house and a storage unit. I’d be hunting for a kitchen gadget or holiday decoration early on, and she’d say, “I’ve got that in storage!”
After a year of living with us, the storage felt redundant and expensive, so she parted ways. Our basement is currently filled with boxes she didn’t want to toss out. Tackling that is our next project.
For a while, I believe Mom thought the move was temporary. She floated the idea of this being a two-to-three-year situation, but as time goes on, I don’t see anything changing.
Selfishly, I don’t want to give up her childcare assistance and help around the house. We’ve gotten into a routine, and the setup seems to be working for all of us.
The ups and downs of multi-generational living
At the end of the day, even though there are certainly cons, the pros outweigh that list by a major margin.
Talking to my mom about how we’d like something done can sometimes be a little uncomfortable.
I’ve found it difficult to make time to hang out like we would’ve done when she lived separately. We used to make plans to grab margaritas or run errands together. We technically see each other all the time now, but we don’t carve out time for each other as much.
For the downsides, there are way more payoffs.
I see my mom having so many special moments with our daughter. I have an errand buddy on call at all times. Also, having a backup for last-minute camp drop-offs or pool days is a life-saver. I’ve been able to fill up my work calendar more, knowing I have extra support.
I love helping my mom to reach her financial goals.
What I wish I’d known
Communication is still the hardest aspect. Owning the home and paying bills in a house where your mom lives flips the normal dynamic. It’s an odd position. Reminding my mom about a task or how I want something done makes me want to throw up.
I would’ve been more intentional about how we would divide tasks and handle issues from the beginning. We absolutely need to make a clearer plan for addressing this — Mom, if you’re reading this, I’d love some advice.
If you are considering having a parent move in, I recommend valuing the tasks they do in lieu of rent. This can prevent resentment from building up based on what you think should be contributed versus what is contributed.
At the end of it all, I strongly believe in the power of community, and my mom is a huge part of ours. Having her live with us has shaped our relationship in a positive way and given my daughter a really unique perspective on the “village” it takes.
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