In my early 30s, my job involved extensive traveling with a team. During my first year with a luxury car company, we worked hard, bonded quickly, and had a blast together. When I moved to a new team, we didn’t become fast friends the same way, but I enjoyed the job, the pay, and the opportunity to visit new and familiar places.
Over time, I realized one of my new coworkers did not like me. She ignored me, cut me out of conversations, rolled her eyes at my suggestions, and directly contradicted me whenever she could. She complained about me to our teammates — some of whom would quietly tell me what she was saying behind my back.
When we had a break in our travel, I hoped the time apart would change the dynamic. Instead, her anger toward me escalated. I tried to stay out of her way and focus on work, but when she started complaining about me to my boss, I worried about keeping my job.
I knew I had to quit
My coworker’s behavior was making me miserable. Her behavior was making it impossible for me to do my job. Quitting would have meant a financial loss, and I would miss the travel, but working with her was torture.
I told my supervisor I was leaving. She was sympathetic but saw it as a simple personality conflict, implying I was also to blame. I felt undervalued and misunderstood. It turned out to be the best work-related decision I’ve ever made.
I enrolled in a master’s degree program in clinical psychology. I’d been fascinated by human nature my whole life, and this disorienting experience with my coworker made me even more curious.
Going back to school helped me move forward
When I took a break from the professional world, I was able to analyze myself and see myself in a new light.
I learned that not everyone needs to like me. This seems obvious, but I have always tried to shape myself into who I thought people wanted me to be. The fact that someone hated me no matter what I did or said was painful, but it helped me realize that some people aren’t worth trying to please and some relationships are impossible to fix. I still want to be liked these days, but I’ve stopped trying to please everyone I interact with.
I also realized that in my personal life, I’m creative, a little messy, and wear my heart on my sleeve. But at work, my personality tended to be structured, no-nonsense, and leadership-oriented. That sometimes rubbed people the wrong way.
I’ve learned to soften that first impression by bringing genuine curiosity and more of my “inner me” — the one I naturally show when I’m more comfortable — to early interactions.
Studying human nature helped me feel less powerless
One of my favorite psychology professors used to say, “You’re not responsible for your first thought in a situation, but you are responsible for every subsequent thought and action.”
I learned not to beat myself up for an initial reaction I wasn’t proud of, which was often deeply conditioned and unconscious. Now I notice when I’m reacting badly. I then choose a different thought and decide how to move forward. Having this skill might have changed how my coworker acted toward me, and it would have helped me feel less powerless and frustrated around her.
One of the most valuable lessons I learned was “hurt people, hurt people.” This simple truth reminds me to bring understanding and compassion to every personal interaction. I don’t know what happened in my coworker’s life to cause her intense dislike for me. As hurtful as it was on my end, I can look back and see there was a bigger picture I didn’t understand.
While compassion is not a reason to tolerate bad behavior, I also learned to set clear boundaries for how people treat me. It helps me see each person as multifaceted, with a lifetime of shaping experiences. It reminds me to be kind to everyone I meet, even if we’re never going to be close.
I learned all this by simply stepping back from my job, taking a break, and immersing myself in an entirely new field. It turned out to be the best professional decision I ever made.
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